


When The Wall Breaks

by AlterImpulse



Category: Xenogears
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Bad caregiving for DID based on bad information, Bath Sharing, But probably didn't happen in canon ;), Canon Era, Canon-Typical Violence, Citan and Yui are in an open polyamorous relationship, Dissociation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, During Canon, Early in Canon, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sex, Lies, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Masturbation, Secrets, Sharing a Bed, She knows, Spoilers, There Are No Therapists, almost first sex, although that by an NPC, although that's just the excuse Citan gives Fei because he can't tell him about Id yet, but badly written in canon fantasy DID, character threatens noncon but is stopped by himself before he can attempt, edited and reposted, he is not cheating on her, implications that Citan is on the autism spectrum, that I'm trying to make a little better, violence due to mental health issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 18:36:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17167193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlterImpulse/pseuds/AlterImpulse
Summary: That night in Dazil, the few boundaries between Fei and Citan quickly fell down. Their first kiss, and the first kiss Fei remembers, is about to lead to their first time, but nothing can ever be that simple in this world... Edited and reposted after I deleted it for review.Also note that this is NOT Citan cheating on Yui. In my view as an author and in the narrative of my Citan/Fei and Citan/anyone else stories, he and Yui have an open polyamorous relationship, and she knows of his romantic and sexual interest in men/his bisexuality.





	When The Wall Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> Content Notes: There is one sentence where Id threatens r*pe, but it is not completed as an attempt and Fei manages to stop him for the first time- so no noncon here, but if a character threatening it in one sentence before he's stopped triggers you, you might want to back out when the villagers knock on the door.
> 
> Also, there are some fairly in-depth references to someone dissociating - I have tried to bring Fei's experiences with it a bit more into the realm of what dissociation is like to some degree, but I also had to stick with the material I'm working from. So if you are triggered easily by such references and descriptions, please don't read.
> 
> An odd fic that goes from sweet to hot to disturbing to... all over the place. Kind of like the canon does ;) So you've been warned, and as always, if I forgot to tag or warn a trigger or upsetting thing, please feel free to remind me!
> 
> Edited, and reposted from my downloaded PDF. I removed it from AO3 in concerns that I needed to review it and be certain that I would be okay with having it on my profile, but honestly, I think this is one of my better explicit stories for Citan and Fei, and in commemoration of Citan Uzuki/Fei Fong Wong now being an archive tag, I'm reposting it.

They had slept together since they had left the Blackmoon Forest. In the literal sense, ostensibly for warmth, but both Fei and Citan knew it was that they needed comfort, the only stability their now upended world could offer, each other.

For Fei, it felt secure, comforting to feel the warmth of another’s body, an embrace for him, someone whose only experience with love at that point was seeing it from the outside in with Alice and Timothy and Yui and Citan, with that odd feeling of instant connection he had with Elly in the forest that he could not explain. This, he could - that it felt good, _safe_.

In Citan’s mind, it had at first simply seemed like a practical decision. If he was holding Fei in his arms, any transformation to Id, rather than sleep, would instantly awaken him. It seemed a relatively simple way to observe both, and he had to admit that it felt good to him in another way, a part of him that yearned for physical touch, even if his mind processed it rather oddly. There were the times he craved it, needed it, yet it could become overwhelming, could make him lose focus and awareness. That he would begin to cry in Yui's arms for reasons he could not even identify, that he had sat in his room for days alone needing to recover and think, even if he had enjoyed every moment, after his first time with Sigurd, so many overwhelming sensations, so many changes. 

He could feel it, the need, the attraction developing as strong as to Sigurd or to Yui, too, but he could not tell, despite analyzing Fei’s actions, his words. Besides, he was a married man, even if he knew Yui would not mind - he had even remembered a moment when she had walked in on them bathing together and had merely said “have fun, you two.”

They touched, they held, so often when they bathed together over those last four months when Fei had insisted on it, because Fei's place only had a bucket shower and Citan had built a heated bathtub out of oil drums, and it was the cool season, but they had never kissed, had never touched _there,_  except by accident when moving in the bath together - and it had almost entirely broke then, this odd dance of “what can we do,” but Fei had seemed afraid, nervous to continue, and it had ended there, with a blushy shyness on the behalf of both, a worry they _had_ gone too far.

That night, as they got settled in the inn in Dazil, felt no different. They had fallen into bed, exhausted from the previous night’s walk through the desert and a day of inquiries into the parts for repairing Weltall, that had seemed to go nowhere. The parts, according to the Ethos, were not there, and the best advice they had gotten at the Gear shop was to wait for their arrival on order.

Fei wriggled in his arms again, and he seemed as if he were unable to just get to sleep, and that kept _him_ awake when he wanted nothing more than sleep at the moment. “Can you not get comfortable? We do have a long day ahead tomorrow. I will search for the parts myself,” Citan said, and moved his arms around Fei. “Go to sleep!”

“But I feel awake again!” Fei moved against him, and Citan cursed the feeling that stirred within him, the thought of something he had tried to put out of mind. “Like I have my second wind. You know?”

“You are exhausted, and so am I. Please try to rest.” _Do not think of it. He likely does not share this feeling, if he did he would have acted upon it already,_ Citan thought, as he laid back. Reason, logic, that was what he was _there_ for, was it not?

“I don’t know, I need something.” Fei said, and moved up against him once more. “Maybe just keep talking and I’ll fall asleep.”

“That was rather rude, Fei. Am I _that_ boring?”

“Not at all!” Fei seemed to almost smile at that, the first ghost of a smile and laugh he had seen from him, since the destruction of Lahan.

 _We both move on far too soon. But that is because he barely remembers doing it, and because it is how I have been trained. One of the first lessons of Jugend, a million is a mere statistic if the mission is successful for Solaris,_ Citan thought to himself, as he looked at Fei. “Then why, Fei, do you say my talking will help you fall asleep?”

“Because I like your voice.” Fei said, a hint of shyness in his voice. “That way you talk, that accent I haven’t heard from anyone else, even if you try to talk like it isn’t there, for some reason.”

He had to resist the temptation to reveal himself right then and there, with the quick surge of a feeling he had only identified, had only felt since Yui and Gaspar had shown him the reality of the world outside Solaris - guilt. The way Fei said that seemed so innocent, and he guessed that Id had never told Fei what a Solarian accent sounded like. _But then, Id has never even told Fei he exists, and Fei does not seem to know._ Instead, he paused to calm himself and replied with “thank you.”

“So now you’re being quiet?” He felt Fei’s elbow into his ribs, though gently - he did not seem to want to actually hurt him. “Are you worried, too? Is that it?”

“One could say that. This is not a development I expected at all. The parts that were broken are not that rare. A burned conduit wire and response circuit, that should be available in any Gear repair shop on this planet. In fact, I have bought them off traveling repair merchants for a few occasions.” Citan sighed, and tried to move the pillow under him to be more comfortable. Something about the lumpiness of it bothered him. “That the Ethos does not claim to have such simple parts is quite unusual. Possibly it is due to the conflict…”

“Can you tell me more about that?” Fei asked, and rested his head against Citan's chest. “You seem to know so much about things. Why have Aveh and Kislev been at war for so long?”

 _Should I talk about that? Is it allowed? But then no one will know that I have, and this is something I do know._ With that thought, Citan gave a soft snort. “You are like me, and find war interesting to know?”

“Not really,” Fei said, a sadness creeping into his voice. “I don’t like war. I don’t want war. But since we are going to be traveling through their territory, I guess I probably need to know what’s going on there.”

“Fine then, either way, it is quite interesting. Let me start with the current tactical positions, troops deployed on behalf of both, weapons in use - although obviously you have seen and used one of those yourself now, which I am certain Gebler is none too happy about having happened, as Weltall was to be used to lead the invasion of Kislev. Sol-ahem, Aveh was very much counting on that for advantage. Now, we have it, and their general is likely either dinosaur food, or has made her way back by now.”

“Elly was a general?” Fei seemed almost disbelieving. “She didn’t seem like one. I thought generals were all men.”

“Apparently not,” Citan said, not wanting to let on any more there about Gebler's forces. “Anyway, now it seems that both sides are scrambling for position once more, from what people here have said. Kislev has apparently been alerted of the invasion plans, so the situation on the front is very volatile, and we should be aware of being mistaken for combatants.”

“Looks like we’re in a lot of trouble either way,” Fei said.

“That is likely the best summary of our current situation. The best we can hope is that Weltall there was written off as an unreliable prototype. The worst case, Fei, is that-“

“That, I don’t want to hear right now.” The way Fei moved almost felt like he wanted to cuddle against him, though he dismissed that as merely his own interpretation of the younger man’s intentions. “I want to know _why._ Why are they fighting anyway? I’ve heard about that damn war ever since I woke up in… in Lahan…”

Citan could feel the way Fei’s body trembled as he spoke those last words, heard the almost tears in his voice, and he found himself holding him closer, if only that the very last thing he wanted for Dazil was Id deciding Fei could not handle the emotions. _Another village being razed to the ground is nothing anyone needs at this  time,_ he thought, but carefully paused to choose his words. “I think we should change the subject,” he said. “You are trying to sleep, correct? War is a rather heavy subject for a bedtime conversation, and you and I both know what happened in Lahan was not your fault. I was not there in the cockpit with you, but…”

He stopped speaking for a moment, then repeated a quickly practiced lie. “A mere malfunction, if a tragic one. One you bear no responsibility for having caused. You were trying to save us, and you were inexperienced in the use of a Gear. Plus, I am certain that malfunctioning circuit aimed your attack in the wrong direction. Once we replace it, I will practice with you before we have one more fight anywhere near a populated area. Had I known Lahan was in danger, I would have insisted you train for Gear combat."

Fei seemed to slightly relax at that. “I should have listened to you, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes, you certainly _should_ have, but what is done is done. Next time, though, please listen to me. You might say… I know more than some do.” Citan let his arm lay over Fei, in the usual way they would fall asleep, the position that seemed to reassure him. “Now, do you feel tired at all? Because you do need to sleep, Fei. Although I want you to stay here while I go into the desert. There are sandworms which can only be fought in a Gear, and right now I am the only one of us that has an escort with them from the Ethos. There are also other dangers such as pirates, and that it is an actively contested area between Aveh, Kislev. and various rebel factions. They will not attack a scientific observer with permission from the Ethos as I have obtained today. You do not have that.”

“So what am I supposed to do anyway? Just wait around while you go looking for those parts?” Fei asked.

“That, and talk to the people here. One thing you need to learn, wherever this journey shall take us, is to obtain information before acting. The information you must find tomorrow is on the note I left in your bag.”

“You’re talking like some kind of spy or something,” Fei said with a soft laugh, and Citan instinctively tensed at that.

“I do have a thing for spy novels,” he said, with a fake laugh that Fei seemed to thankfully take for real. “And this town reminds me of the frontier town in ‘The Thief With The Diamond Gun.’”

“I never read that,” Fei said. “I think the last book I read was the one on ancient painting techniques. I… was making one of a flower field.”

“It was beautiful, too. I wish you had been able to finish it.”

“You looked? Don’t you know that’s bad luck to look at a painter’s unfinished work…”

“Apparently it was.”

They both lay there in silence for a moment at that, when Fei turned again in his arms. “I still can’t sleep.”

“What do you need, Fei? Because I want to sleep, and I need you to go to sleep too, as this bed is uncomfortable enough without your tossing about. Some chamomile tea? Some wine? A story? A goodnight kiss?”

“Actually, that last one doesn’t sound bad at all.” Fei stifled an odd mixture of a giggle and snort. “I… I don’t ever remember having a kiss. From anyone.”

“Then, may I?” Citan could barely believe he had actually spoken those words, that had seemed to find their way to his mouth without much careful thought. _I will hold back. I know what has been done to him and if I am not careful I could create another incident. A small peck on the lips should be fine though._

Fei moved to face him, his eyes fixed on his own, their bodies pressed together, and suddenly every bit of that resolve to hold back was gone, every pretense of his offer being a joke gone. He had not expected that - Fei to open his lips so soon, the passion and intensity that Fei seemed to have being there, too, the small moan as he drew back, the blush of heat he felt, the words they breathed almost in unison.

“Oh, _yes_ do that again, please…”

“Is _this_ why you’ve been coming to my place to use my bath for the last few months?” Citan felt he had to ask it, to be entirely certain of Fei’s intent, even though the enthusiasm of that kiss easily rivaled any from Sigurd or Yui. “I know your place only had an outdoor shower and you were cold, but…”

Fei held him closer. “I...I don’t really remember how to do these sorts of things. I don’t even know if I have. My memories are gone, anything before I awakened.” He blinked and shivered. “Though I could feel something with you from the moment I saw you. And… you seemed shy. Afraid. Even when Yui practically told you, told us…”

“That is because I know, Fei. I cannot tell you in full at this point, but something horrible happened to you once. Someone violated you. I did not wish to risk becoming another person to harm you because of the feelings I have developed, and I feared that I confused caring with you for loving you and-”

“You’re not hurting me. I want this. I like how my body feels. Like I… like I’m here. Not like I’m just floating and watching everything.” Fei moved closer. “Yet I feel so familiar with everything, as if I know, even if I don’t remember where I know.”

Citan almost cried out in surprise into the next kiss, as Fei pushed him against the bed with a sudden confidence, his hands no longer wrapped around his back but on his chest, palms kneading nipples. The feeling of Fei’s tongue against his own then, sliding between his lips over and over, as if Fei were miming sex itself with that kiss… it felt so good, and he could no longer distract himself from the need, allowing himself to move against Fei’s leg.

Fei broke from the kiss to catch his breath, and looked into his eyes, a look he immediately recognized, absolute lust, longing for more. “Please, _again_.”

“Mm, would you want me to do...what you are?”

“Yes!” Fei almost yelled it, as if he had no concern at the moment for the hour of night, the thinness of the walls.

“Then I shall, but please be quiet. It is not as if we are engaging in-“

Fei’s lips claimed Citan’s for another kiss, and cut off those words. He felt somewhat annoyed that Fei had decided to shut him up in such a way. _I will tease you for that. Do not think you can silence me so easily,_ he thought in what was left of his rational thinking abilities, that quickly waned further as he pinched Fei’s right nipple tightly, biting at his lips.

The way Fei squirmed at that took away the rest of his mind’s warning to take it slow, to beware of upsetting or triggering another incident. “Fei, please,” he breathed as he broke from the next kiss. “May I...touch you, there?” He could barely think of the words, simply rest his hand on Fei’s thigh and hope he understood, hope he said _yes_ to his hand moving further than that.

“If you… if you let me touch yours…”

“Oh, you _must_ if I do this.” Citan cursed himself inwardly for how that sounded, and hoped Id did not take things the wrong way.

Their hands began to move at the same time, each kiss intensifying, Fei whimpering against him, and he knew he was making that same exact almost pathetic sound at the moment.

The thought that _this_ could be their first time, that Fei was so close to the edge, that they had gone from first kiss to... to this... it seemed so sudden yet exactly what he craved, if things were to be so-

Then came the sound of loud knocks on the door. “Hey you, that doctor guy, are you awake? You gotta come down to the dig and help us!”

The sound snapped them both back into reality, and they quickly threw on the discarded sleeping robes, with a mutual groan of not need this time, but annoyance and worry.

Citan stood there for a moment, and glared down at himself as he tried to make _that_ go away before he answered and opened the door. His body, however, did not seem to cooperate with his mind, so he quickly opened the door, then grabbed a pillow to throw over his lap as he sat down. _How many years has it been since I have had to do that,_ he thought. “Yes? I thought I told you that we needed our rest. Unless you have found a dragon-“

“Our chief of operations has consumed too much Aggrodrive, and we fear he is about to have a heart attack and psychotic crisis at the same time! Like happened to the last dig chief! You are a doctor, right? We’ll give you five thousand G if you keep him here and working!”

“Yes, please give me a few moments to get dressed. Make him take a Physisol just in case to maintain him until then. Throw it at him if you must.” As he began to quickly dress, he looked back to the bed and saw red hair before taking in the form of Id, naked before him.

 _Oh, fucking hell. Now?_ Citan thought as he froze there, uncertain of what would happen next.

“Do not worry,” the man who had once been Fei spat. “You have… preoccupied us. I will go once he is able to rest.”

“You… you cannot kill anyone in this place!”

“I _like_ you, so I won’t this time. These greedy, pathetic thieves are not even worth the thrill of their screams as they die. And you… I could pin you here to this bed and take what I need, but…” Somehow Fei’s voice wrenched from Id’s form. “Leave him! Now!”

Citan slammed the door behind him, and hoped that Id would satisfy their form with anything other than burning _this_ village.

===

Nonetheless, there was nothing else he could do for the moment, so he found himself ignoring the shrieks, the wails, the thrown furniture, the sound of the window and wall cracking. He hoped Id would not follow him, and found his way to the dig site with the flashlight on his glasses.

Simple enough - get in close to the man, and slam the Drive antagonist needle into his arm. It would save his life, even if, from his memory of Sigurd’s withdrawal, it would be no fun for anyone involved. Citan slipped the extra G into his wallet, then clipped it back inside his kimono. He warily walked back to the hotel, fully expecting a scene of mass murder.

Instead, he saw Fei lying naked on the counter of the inn. “What in the-“

The desk clerk blinked. “Drunks. Get him back up to your room, will’ya? And tell him to stop those magic tricks, anyone who trained in the Ethers can do a fake transformation like that. It’s not even cool anymore since that troupe did it ten years ago in Etrenank.”

“Yes… they were everywhere on Homevision, and so very boring,” Citan said in Solarian. “You are from Etrenank?”

“Yes.”

“It is obvious I am?”

“I was Third Class. Got assigned to the front in Aveh. Went AWOL a year ago, and no one even missed me.”

“Yes, we did have quite the way of losing personnel. One way or another.” Citan nodded to him. “I cannot believe my friend would drink, and then try to entertain with such childishly stupid Ether tricks. We will be out of here in the morning. Fei… wake up now.”

Fei snored on the bar, and did not seem to awaken, even as Citan lifted his body into his arms to carry him back to the room. His eyes fluttered back open, as they laid on the mattress in the midst of a room torn literally to pieces at points, holes in the walls, every piece of glass smashed, lighting ripped from the ceiling, one entire wall missing…

“Are you all right? Fei…” Citan wanted to say it right there, to just _tell him_ , but the books he had read, the people in Solaris, even Gaspar himself in Shevat... they all had told him that telling Fei of Id, of the Coward, that he was not himself and had no control over that, would only make Fei worse, would only destabilize him further, that it were best he did not know, that it should be kept from him. That keeping it from him would preserve what Fei had of sanity, would hopefully allow him to become stronger.

“I had a horrible nightmare…” he whispered. “I was drifting, floating… I heard something threaten to… to hurt someone. To…”

“And you told him no. You held him back.”

“Yes, but then… I fell into the depths... drifting away from everything again. From... myself.”

“You saved me,” Citan whispered. “From yourself, when _I_ almost provoked another incident. That is all I can say. For now. Please… Fei… go back to sleep and rest. You seem to have acquired alcohol in my absence and became drunk,” he lied. “You are going to have one hell of a hangover.”

“I must have somehow. Really strong stuff.” Fei snuggled against him to fall asleep.

 _It is easier not to tell you for now. Besides, you saved me, even if you did not know you did,_ Citan thought, as he finally fell asleep that night, Fei in his arms once more. _And someday, I will return that favor in every way you wish._

**Author's Note:**

> Real people don't shapeshift, and the great majority of people with DID or similar dissociative disorders are not violent. Here's links for real, researched info. Don't get your info on dissociation and DID from Xenogears, okay? :)
> 
> https://themighty.com/2017/10/how-to-help-dissociative-episode/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/10/what-dissociation-feels-like/
> 
> https://themighty.com/2016/06/self-care-tips-for-dissociation/
> 
> https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-conditions/dissociative-disorders
> 
> https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/dissociative-disorders/symptoms-causes/syc-20355215
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject), which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments 
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * Constructive criticism unless it is about the couple/ship itself - I know what is and is not canon.
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> [LLF Comment Builder](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/post/170952243543/now-presenting-the-llf-comment-builder-beta)  
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> 
> Any practice, act, or kink depicted in this story is not depicted for my own sake but for what I thought would fit the characters. It is a fictional story. Do not imitate or replicate any acts of violence, sex, or anything else depicted in this story. If you are under 18 years of age, close this page immediately, and if someone has shown it to you/directed you toward it, please be aware they are abusing you.


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